


James Potter and the Mirror of Unfortunately Sexual Images

by fredislexia



Series: Midnight Shenanigans [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, dumbledore sex parties, wanking, why did we not beta?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-27 17:17:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13252902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fredislexia/pseuds/fredislexia
Summary: James Potter has been sneaking off in the middle of the night, Sirius is not having it, Remus is sick of Sirius being an idiot in the middle of the night, and Peter is just along for the ride.Their idiotic midnight pranks end with them discovering more about themselves than maybe they are comfortable with. How will they deal with the images they see? Will they finally learn what the meaning of life is? Probably not. They do learn about some weird fantasies of Remus though.





	James Potter and the Mirror of Unfortunately Sexual Images

**Author's Note:**

> Written by a friend and I very late at night. We are kind of sorry.

##  **Chapter One:** Moony gets Reflective

_Mirror mirror on the wall, protect my eyes from Prongs’ balls._

 

* * *

Remus stepped gingerly out into the dark stairwell outside the sixth-year dorms. Keeping his head down, he murmured a soft Lumos and glanced up and down, checking for any telltale signs. It was 4.30am on April 1, and he was absolutely certain he had just heard some very suspicious Siriusy sounds.

He held his breath and stepped out of the dorm room, expecting at any moment to be flipped into the air, transformed into a jellyfish or some other hideous event straight from Sirius’s evil mind. There was no doubt about if. It was simply a matter of when.

That was until he heard the steady sounds of snoring coming from the closed canopies of Sirius’ bed.

Remus was not fooled in the slightest. He’d done a thorough check of Sirius’s bed and surrounding areas, and the offending dog was nowhere to be found. Clearly this snoring was a cheap ruse designed to throw him off guard. He marched over to the bed and flung open the curtains, and found a completely empty bed. It hadn’t even been slept in - it was still made up from the morning. Sticking out from under the pillow was the end of a wand. Remus recognised it as Peter’s chestnut wand and snapped his head around looking for the rodent. If he’d left his wand behind, all signs pointed to him being somehow enveloped in Sirius’s scheme..If he found Peter, he’d find Pads too

Remus decided enough was enough. They couldn’t have gotten far, considering he’d distinctly heard giggling coming from somewhere close by. Whatever they were planning, needed immediate intervention. He straightened up, tugged the ends of his sleeves decisively over his hands (it was cosier that way; the castle was freezing this time of year) and grabbed his Prefect badge off the bedside table. Time to go deliver swift justice to these meddlesome creatures.

* * *

Sirius clamped his hand over Peter’s mouth, effectively cutting all air from entering the blonde’s lungs. It did stop him from giggling though, which was a blessing to sirius’ mind.

“Shut up wormtail” he hissed into peter’s ear. “Are you trying to give us away?”

Peter’s eyes flicked downward and he looked remorseful enough for Sirius to consider retracting his hand from the smaller boy’s face. Peter drew in a deep, grateful breath. His cheeks had been starting to turn red, and his eyes were bulging slightly.

Sirius leaned sideways and glanced out into the corridor.

“Do you think he’s heard us?” he whispered.

“I don’t think so…”

“Good!” Sirius whipped around grinning his biggest grin at Peter. “Let’s go then!”

* * *

Remus stalked out of the room and into the stairwell. What Sirius often forgot to consider when planning his schemes was the distinct advantages the wolf’s heightened senses brought him when hunting down his opponents. He followed the sound of giggling down the corridor, until it abruptly stopped. Pausing, he cast around for another sound.

His ears pricked as he caught the words “Do you think he’s heard us?” in Sirius’s unmistakable excited whisper.

Drawing his jumper further down over his fingers, he quieted his steps on the flagstones and followed the sound. Four thirty…this was really not the best hour to be awake. Sirius was in for a serious glare when he finally found him. He poked his head around the door of the former Charms classroom, momentarily distracted by the sheer number and intricacy of cobwebs which decorated its high ceiling. The house elves seemed to completely abandon any unused rooms to the mercy of the castle’s spider population. Shivering a bit, Remus moved on.

* * *

Sirius crouched low on the flagstones, his fingers brushing the floor. Peter was a lump behind him; his breath was coming quick and laboriously.

“You need to exercise more” Sirius hissed “you’re an embarrassment”

“Fuck off pads” Peter muttered, poking Sirius in the side.

Sirius flicked his middle finger finger up over his shoulder but it was swatted down as Peter leaned in close with his lips next to the taller boy’s ear.

“There he is!” Peter’s breath tickled Sirius’ ear so that Sirius had to jam his finger into his ear canal to stop the tickling. His eyes watched a figure at the end of the corridor, hunched backed and trying his hardest to walk quietly on the stone floor.

The boys scuttled along the corridor, keeping their distance from the boy, who was trying his hardest to sneak quietly along, red and gold dressing gown wrapped tightly around his narrow waist. As they were nearing him, he stopped and peered around the door of an abandoned classroom.

* * *

Remus had never really trusted his sense of direction, and was fairly sure he had never been in this part of the castle before. Where on earth was Sirius going? He could hear Peter’s asthma starting to flare up from all the dust..or possibly the exertion, he wasn’t sure.  He quickened his pace a bit to try and catch up. For goodness sake, Sirius was a good two inches shorter than him but he managed to outpace him every time. Even apparently with Peter along for the ride.

“Padfoot!” Moony called down the corridor. “For god’s sake it’s freezing. Can we get on with this already or are we going to enjoy this delightful game of cat and mouse all morning?”

* * *

Peter’s breathing got more laboured, Sirius could hear every breath whistling through his nose from just behind his right shoulder. Remind me never to plan anything with him again during spring, Sirius thought, seriously (ha!) considering punching the blonde in his dumb whistling nose.

His hands started to bunch as the whistling got more rapid, and just before he has made up his mind to just get it over and done with and abandon his mission to quieten the noisy rat, the boy in front slipped into the classroom.

Sirius heard his name being called from behind him. He snapped his head around glaring at the offender.

“For god’s sake it’s freezing. Can we get on with this already or are we going to enjoy this delightful game of cat and mouse all morning?” Remus called from couple of metres down the corridor. His prefect badge glittered in the torchlight.

“I know you can hear me!”

“WHAT THE FUCK MOONY” Sirius glared his scariest glare and shoved Peter out of the way as he stomped down the corridor toward the dumb werewolf.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?” He hissed into Remus’ scarred face, pushing him hard in the shoulders. “You’re going to ruin everything!”

* * *

Immediately following this, Remus caught sight of Sirius ahead of him in the corridor.

“I know you can hear me!” he called.

“WHAT THE FUCK MOONY” Sirius yelled.

As Remus watched Sirius whirled on him and began marching back along the corridor. Remus sighed internally. This happened every time. Sirius was simply not sneaky enough to enact his plots. Sirius came right up to him (Peter was nowhere to be seen), grabbed him rudely by the shoulders and shoved.  “You’re going to ruin everything!” His eyes glittered dangerously.

Slightly uncomfortable at Sirius’s sudden proximity, Remus stepped back a bit with his hands up. “I’m going to ruin everything?! You’ve just ruined my eight hours sleep a night for the sake of another ridiculous prank. I rather think you’re to blame here.”

* * *

Peter scuttled up behind Sirius after emerging from the nook he had been pushed into. The sudden expulsion into the cranny seemed to have done the trick - his nose was no longer whistling, but Sirius barely noticed as he glared into Remus’ blue eyes.

Remus staggered backward, his hands up defensively. “I’m going to ruin everything?! You’ve just ruined my eight hours sleep a night for the sake of another ridiculous prank. I rather think you’re to blame here.” he stuttered, his eyebrows rising up his forehead.

“I never!” Sirius spluttered. “I didn’t even invite you! What the fuck are you doing here!?”

Peter pulled on Sirius’ sleeve tentatively. “I don’t think he’s heard us amazingly! Even though you two fucks made a hell of a ruckus!”

Sirius turned his head to look at the blonde. “How the fuck…” He turned and looked at Remus “You are one lucky werewolf Moony. I would have made your life hell if you had ruined this!”

Pushing Moony one last time, and barrelling through Peter again, he strode down the corridor towards the door they were aiming for before ignoring whatever drivel Moony was saying, leaving him behind.

* * *

“I never!” Sirius said defensively “I didn’t even invite you! What the fuck are you doing here!?”

This was simply too much. If Sirius was going to cause havoc in the middle of the night he could at least have the decency to inform Remus. So he could stand on the sidelines and giggle.

Peter appeared from nowhere and tugged on Sirius’s sleeve. Proving that this evening was just going to get stranger, he said   “I don’t think he’s heard us amazingly! Even though you two fucks made a hell of a ruckus!”

Sirius turned his head to look at the blonde. “How the fuck…” He turned and looked at Remus “You are one lucky werewolf Moony. I would have made your life hell if you had ruined this!”

Moony shrugged “Doesn’t sound so bad to me-” Sirius wasn’t even listening. Remus found himself rudely shouldered aside as the bad-tempered Black strode off purposefully towards a door a little further down the corridor.

Well that’s just unacceptable, he thought to himself. As Peter hurried after Sirius, Remus reflected that going back to bed now would probably be pointless. He would only be woken in an hour or so by an indignant Prongs demanding to know why Moony didn’t appear to save him from his clearly impending doom.

Sighing internally he followed the two lunatics up to the doorway. His prefect’s badge shone momentarily in the moonlight, but he shoved the guilt down and watched as Sirius turned and flashed him that grin that meant nothing good was on its way.

* * *

Sirius peeked around the door and smirked. It was just as he had predicted! He turned and grinned at Remus, who had followed him, fiddling with his worn jumper, pulling at the threads that were poking out from a hole near the waist.

Sirius held his finger up to his lips and mouthed “you ready?” to Peter who nodded silently.

Peter dipped his hands into his pockets and pulled out several multicoloured balloons, all straining and wobbling. A blue one, perched on top of the others was leaking slightly - a black ribbon of moisture running down over the other balloons and towards Wormtail’s thumb.

Sirius wiggled his eyebrows at Remus and lifting his wand high and then turned to bust through the doorway extravagantly with Peter right on his heels.

* * *

Remus watched as Sirius leaned around the doorway, doing his best version of “quiet and sneaky”. He looked like a kid about to jump into a ball pit, his whole face alive with anticipation. Remus felt the familiar uneasy lurch in his stomach. He put his hand to his jumper and picked at the threads, watching as Sirius motioned to Peter and whispered under his breath

“You ready”?

Peter grinned back and nodded at him, reaching into his pockets. He pulled out an improbable number of wobbly round objects-balloons, Remus recognized with a sinking feeling in his stomach. Balloons were rarely good news..

Sirius turned and Remus caught the edge of his manic grin, hating himself for how infectious his excitement was. Here he was betraying his dearest principles for the sake of this ridiculous boy and his stupid smile. He steeled himself.

Sirius crashed through the door and the chaos began

* * *

“WATCH OUT!! IT’S AN AVALANCHE! RUN” Sirius shrieked as he sprinted into the room his wand flailing around.

Peter was right behind him, clutching the balloons tightly to his chest. Before he ran into Sirius’ back, he stopped and started to throw the balloons at the boy who was seated on the other side of the room.

“RUUUUUUN!” screamed Sirius and flicked his wand sending chicken feathers everywhere across the room.

The figure jumped up, his trousers down around his ankles, now covered in black sticky liquid and steadily becoming more and more enfeathered.

“What?!” the figure shrieked, trying and failing to pull his trousers and pants up. “What is happening??”

Peter kept throwing balloons and Sirius, trying his hardest not to fall over with laughter, flicked his wand a couple more times sending even more feathers into the air.

“Run!” Sirius tried to yell, but he had lost his breath through laughing at the idiotic figure stumbling around the classroom, pants around his feet, arms flailing and covered in feathers.

* * *

Remus followed close behind as Sirius charged into the room screaming “WATCH OUT!! IT’S AN AVALANCHE” at the top of his lungs. Peter, shrieking with laughter, started hurling balloons at a seated figure on the opposite side of the room. Remus watched in horror as black sticky liquid exploded out of the balloons, spattering the boy from head to toe.

Sirius charged onwards, screaming “RUN!!” and waving his wand madly, each flick sending a torrent of what looked like chicken feathers flurrying across the room. They coated the boy, who by now was standing and yelling indignantly “What! What is happening!” Remus noticed his pants were on the floor and he was desperately trying to pull them up, while staggering around the room blinded by feathers.

Sirius and Peter were relentlessly pelting the pathetic figure with their respective balloons and feathers, and as Remus watched Sirius doubled over with laughter, wheezing like an idiot. He was probably choking on his own feathers, Remus reflected dispassionately. Ah well.

The boy stumbled over his trousers and landed flat on his face in front of Remus.

“Prongs?” Remus said. His suspicions were confirmed as through the sludge of feathers and black slime Remus made out the outline of a familiar pair of glasses.

* * *

When Remus recognised the enfeathered James, Sirius gasped as he started off another fit of laughter. Peter’s barked laughter was abruptly stopped when he smacked his head into a desk while doubling over and he crawled under the desk, arms encasing his head as he half wept and half laughed.

Remus helped James up off the floor and tried to help him pull his trousers up.

“What the hell Pads?” Moony said from the vicinity of James’ groin.

Sirius turned, giggling, and pointed to the far side of the room where James had been sitting. Through all the feathers, Sirius could still make out the large mirror propped against the wall.

“He comes in here to wank!” Sirius managed to say, “He told me! That mirror lets you see what your heart’s desire is, and apparently his heart’s desire is seeing bloody Evans naked!”

Peter groaned and emerged from under the desk.

“We’ve been trying to catch him at it for ages!” He said while rubbing his head. “He keeps sneaking off with that fucking invisibility cloak. I had to steal it earlier so we could follow him!”

“We got you Prongs!” Sirius laughed “We got you good!”

* * *

Remus  threw a disparaging glance at Sirius and knelt to offer a hand to the prone James Potter, making a token attempt to recover his modesty by yanking up James’s pants. “What the hell, Pads?” he said, trying to find James’s belt buckle (James’s hands were glued to his sides with the black sticky slime, so he was less than helpful here).

Sirius, tears in his eyes, turned and pointed. Remus followed his finger to a large mirror standing against the far wall. It was unusually ornate and surrounded by an inscription Remus didn’t recognise. Sirius was struggling for words, his throat seized up with laughter.

“He comes in here to wank!” Sirius proclaimed triumphantly through the giggles. Remus shook his head in disbelief, about to protest this new ridiculousness, but apparently this was plain on his face as Sirius continued breathlessly

“He told me! That mirror lets you see what your heart’s desire is, and apparently his heart’s desire is seeing bloody Evans naked!”

Honestly, Remus wasn’t that surprised. A magical object of such rarity, such beauty..who knew the mysteries it held..And James Potter had managed to make it about sex. Of course.

“We’ve been trying to catch him at it for ages!” Peter said, rubbing his head. “He keeps sneaking off with that fucking invisibility cloak. I had to steal it earlier so we could follow him!”

“We got you Prongs!” Sirius laughed “We got you good!”

Remus decided that at this point Prongs’s dignity was beyond recovery and abandoned his quest to put his pants back on. He stood up and walked over to the far wall. A mirror that showed you your heart’s desire? He wondered if he knew himself well enough to guess what he might see.

The inscription around the edges was faded, but still legible. Remus read slowly, reversing the words as he went

Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi

I SHOW NOT YOUR FACE, BUT YOUR HEART’S DESIRE

Remus swallowed, and approached the mirror. Sirius, behind him, came running up. “Careful Moons. You might not like what you see!”

But how could he not be curious?

“What do you see, Pads?” His throat was strangely dry.

Sirius glanced back at the mirror and a grin like the Chesire Cat insinuated itself across his features. “You, Moony. All slathered in oil and laying on a bearskin rug” He waggled his eyebrows at Remus again.

Remus snorted and rolled his eyes “Go fuck yourself” he said.

He decided that maybe he should just go for it. There must be some reason the Hat put him in Gryffindor after all. “Fuck it” he said, and stepped forward and looked apprehensively into its depths.

He almost didn’t recognise the boy who stared back at him. His own face stared back, whole and unblemished, as smooth and clear as Sirius’s standing next to him. And tugging at the corners of his mouth was an easy smile he’d never seen on his own face before. Behind Remus’s standing form, vague figures floated in the silvery dark of the mirror. They came closer and drifted away again, hovering just on the edge of focus. One of the figures came closer and the mirror image Remus turned to face the figure, pressing his mouth against the grey featureless face.

The blackness slowly faded into the outlines of a scene. Remus squinted to try and make out what was happening, and as things fell into focus he felt the bottom drop out of his stomach

That was his greatest, deepest, most desperate desire??

Dumbledore orgies, socks, Sirius being sexy, James being sexy!>! Peter wearing leather pants…was that Lily and the giant squid..Remus decided that his deepest desire was going to bed and getting some sleep so he could write better sexy scenes

He turned away from the mirror. Sirius was standing there looking like an idiot as per usual.

“This mirror is rigged!”

Sirius burst into hysterical laughter

“Nope!”

“It is! There’s no other explanation for this madness.”

“It’s the real deal Moons! Why…What did you see?”

Remus felt himself flush from the hairline down. “Nothing…Just…Nothing, alright, it’s broken. Let’s all leave James in peace to…finish his wank or whatever he was doing”

James piped up from the floor, where he was struggling to unstick himself from Peter who had crawled over for a botched rescue attempt during the commotion  “I was not wanking!” James said indignantly. “I was…admiring Lily’s form!”

At the mention of Lily’s form Remus could no longer control his nausea and decided this situation was well out of hand.

“RIGHT! I am a prefect and you three are breaking curfew! If you don’t get back to the dormitory RIGHT NOW there will be serious consequences!”

Sirius shrieked with joy as his favourite pun made an accidental appearance. “But I’m always…” he started before Remus settled a heavy glare on him. “Moooony you’re no fun, the party was just getting started!”

Remus was not taking no for an answer. He grabbed Sirius  by the arm and yanked him out the door, yelling behind him “And you two, bedtime as well!”

Sirius batted his eyelashes over Remus’s shoulder. “Bedtime! That sounds like more fun than I thought”

Remus scoffed, pulled Sirius further down the corridor and firmly ignored the small part of his brain that thought maybe Sirius might have a point.


End file.
